The Daily Grind

March 6, 2018

Then

Wake up, get the scales out from the back of my cupboard, panic, weigh myself, 44.3kg, relief, no more than last time, hide scales back in cupboard.

Go for a morning walk, keep intensity constant, working in the aerobic system burns more fat than muscle.

Time for breakfast, measure the muesli out carefully, don’t go over, now the tablespoons of yoghurt, one then two, stir, eat…slowly, drinking plenty of water in between mouthfuls. Most of the time when we are hungry it’s just that we are thirsty…don’t let my body trick me into thinking it needs more food.

Back upstairs, try to touch thumb and index finger around each thigh as I walk up each step, good I can still touch, relief.

Into bedroom, get scales out again, panic, step on scales, 44.3kg, relief.

Get dressed for school, can I still pull my skirt up over my hips without unbuttoning, slide, shake, yes, we’re all good. Look at reflection in mirror, sigh, I just never look the way I want. Sigh again, then study reflection in the mirror, Every. Single. Angle. Make sure no extra fat has visibly deposited somewhere on my body.

Write up day plan, panic, how am I going to get everything finished. Write in timelines for after school. Phew. If I stay on schedule, I’ll be fine. It’s on paper, I have a plan, it will work. Good.

Morning lessons, stomach rumbles, good, reminder that I haven’t overeaten.

After school, upstairs. Hungry but tea is only two hours away…no need to eat before that. Measure top of bicep with thumb and middle finger, yep, they still touch when I wrap them around. Good.

Scales out again…weigh, 44.2kg, oh dear, lost some weight, guilt, slight sense of achievement, guilt for having a slight sense of achievement.

Get on ground, go through daily floor workout, feel the burn, complete every exercise perfectly.

Tea, chew each mouthful thoroughly, drink plenty of water, be sure to leave food on plate, don’t eat it all. Dessert time, politely decline, – extra calories not consumed…good girl!

After tea, get on scales, 44.3kg, freak out, panic, have put on 0.1kg since after school, might be a mistake, get back on, 44.3kg damn it, sweaty palms, shortened breath, get on floor and go through workout exercises again, deep breaths in and out. Get back on scales, 44. 3kg, it’s ok, it’s ok. Maybe the earlier weight was incorrect, maybe I hadn’t lost that 0.1kg over the day. Try to calm self by deep breaths. I can feel that 0.1kg on my body now, it’s on my legs, I know it, I can see it, I can feel it, deep breaths in and out. Measure top of bicep with thumb and middle finger, ok, I can still touch when I wrap them around. Touch thumb and index finger around thigh, ok I can still touch. But  scales don’t lie, I can still feel that extra fat, my skin prickles. 

Time for bed, read book, stomach growls, a welcome sound, my body is doing its job.

Switch off light, mind going 100 mile an hour, random thoughts flooding in, have I done this? Should I do that? Must remember…? Anxiety builds trying to remember everything. Grab my pen and paper, write them all down, good…I can calm down now.

Go to sleep

 

Vs now

Wake up, get dressed, tired and groggy but feeling good.

I feel like a walk this morning, pop sandshoes on, head outside, headphones in, zone into the lyrics, mmmm fresh air, suns coming up, feeling energised.

Time for breakfast, throw in some cereal, milk, heap spoonfuls into my mouth whilst trying to stop toddler from spilling his weetbix everywhere. Still feel a bit hungry, pop some toast in the toaster and gobble that down too. Feeling content.

Sit on floor with toddler and play with his toys, smile, laugh, toddler grabs something he shouldn’t, take it away, he throws a tantrum, go outside and play with the dog, that cheers him up.

Gosh I feel hungry today, grab a banana, toddler also wants some, sit and share banana, so delicious.

Walk into bathroom to get washing, catch sight of myself in the mirror, probably should have looked at my hair before going out for my walk, oh well, pick up washing, get that job done.

Put toddler down for a sleep, walk into kitchen, how the flip did this get into such a mess, there’s no way I’m going to be able to get all my other jobs done as well. Sigh, start picking things up and putting them away. Just work through it.

Prepping tea, feeling a bit peckish, grab some chips and snack away on them whilst cutting up the veggies.

Sit and enjoy my tea with my family, talking about each other’s day, clapping when toddler successfully gets a spoonful of food into his mouth, trying to hide giggles when he doesn’t.

Clean up after tea, bath toddler, read him a story and kiss him goodnight.

Sit down on the couch and watch some tv, would love a bowl of icecream right about now. Get up, make myself up a bowl, sit back on couch and eat.

Shower, get into bed, feeling pretty tired…don’t want to read tonight, turn lights out and go off to sleep.

I choose now every single second of every single day.

But trust me when I say, I never thought I would. The thought of not having complete control over my life or, to be constantly aware of my weight, scared the hell out of me. I was so consumed by a toxic mindset that I truly didn’t believe I would ever be able to escape it, nor did I want to, it was a dangerous but sickly ‘safe’ place for me to exist.

This process took time, there was no magic wand and it required a lot of effort not only on my behalf but those around me as well. Stay tuned over the coming weeks as I will begin to elaborate a little more about this side of the journey.

Have a lovely day x

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