All my life all I ever wished for was the chance to one day be a mum. I had a will to help people, I adored looking after my younger siblings but above all that, I loved my mum and wanted to be just like her. She had this aura which made me feel safe, made me feel loved and made me feel supported and I just could not wait to one day be that person to someone else. Last year I got that chance, I became a mum and I was a bundle of nerves and excitement, I was ready for this, my mum was a natural, I was sure to be one too.
When I took that first look into my sons eyes I quickly realised how unprepared I was. Unprepared for the level of immediate love that made my heart soar and my eyes fill with tears. Unprepared for the sheer force of protection I felt as I held him against my chest and unprepared for the complete shift in focus that now became my life.
These moments of feeling unprepared have not gone away. As time goes on and as my son increasingly becomes aware of the world around him I am quickly realising that this journey is one that feels both natural and difficult at the same time. My mum surely never found it difficult … did she? She just did it, she did it all with ease…or so it seemed. And so, began this seesaw of emotions we call motherhood, the constant alternation of heart warming love and challenging situations that occur every week, every day, sometimes every hour and with that I felt I owe it to my mother this Mother’s Day to say…
I get it now, Thankyou.
Thankyou for providing me with an unspeakable love, one I am only just beginning to understand the gravity of. The love that came in the form of constant reminders of discipline, of rules and routine. The love that came in the form of cuddles and vegemite on toast when I was sick. The love that came from the late nights and early mornings when I wasn’t tired but you surely were. The love that came from sleeping with one ear listening out every night so you were there in a flash if we needed you. The love that created a knotted stomach of worry when we were unwell or in an unsafe situation. The love that came in the food you cooked, however simple the meals may have been. The love that kept my clothes washed and my skin clean. The love that made sure I never went without the essentials but made sure I clearly understood the value of things. The love that made you patient when teaching me about the world. The love that made you go back to work to help support our family. The love that made my house into a home when I’m sure at times it felt more like a bomb site to you. The love that kept my world together during the times when yours felt as though it was falling apart. The love that protected me from harm but let me go when it was time to experience things on my own. The love that made you my biggest supporter but my most educated critic. The love that kept you strong when I was weak. The love that put much of your life on hold but the love that made that not matter one little bit.
Above all else, thank you for the love that made you the most natural mum in the world to me when I’m sure you would have had countless moments where you had no idea whether what you were doing is right.
Thankyou Mum, I love you.
Being a mum is so much more than I ever gave it credit for and only a year and a half in I have been hit with countless moments which leave me in awe of the woman my mother is. I know that this is only the beginning, and I know that these moments are going to hit me with increasing force and regularity but I am incredibly grateful for these reflections because she deserves every single one of the them.
To all the mothers out there, Happy Mothers Day!
Have a lovely day x